I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
