im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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