All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
