I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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