I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize