I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
