she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
we're so committed to being not committed
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
