im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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