found the other keg... it's in the tree
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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