I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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