I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
