This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Randomize
