Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize