im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I would fuck him just for his dog
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
