Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
