It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
