Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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