Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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