I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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