her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
