The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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