I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I understand Curling. That high.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He better not be in your backpack
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize