Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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