Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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