Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
