Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
