do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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