I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
