it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
