Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
