i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize