so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
