Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
