tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
