I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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