The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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