Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
