Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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