I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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