did you get engaged???
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
