Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
