I met the friendliest cop last night
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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