apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
