Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
