So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
