god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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