My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
