thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
