Betty ford says i'm here all night
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
