the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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