apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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