I could make wine with my vomit
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
