Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
The uberlube is also flammable
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
