i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
