I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
