Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
