Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
