Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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