PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
