I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Green mimosas i think yes
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
