Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
