Aj just asked if we were going to the bulldog tonight..i told her no because of the expense and tests coming up..but mostly because i don't want herpes
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize