if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
