First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
