Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
