i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
