Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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